Am I a bad mother? I think I’m

Let me tell you the story of this mother who without a slight mother instinct. The time lines are divided prior my trip to Jakarta, when I was at Jakarta and afterward.

A few months before my trip to Jakarta, Megan have been drinking Procal step 2 from Wyeth once a day on daytime (still breast feeding her on morning and at night). I also mix the milk powder to her oatmeal breakfast to make it more nutritious.

When I was at Jakarta, the first day, I instructed my mom to change her milk to Procal Step 3 (for 1-3 years old toddler) and because I didn’t left any pump breast milk, she drank formula trice a day. According to mum, Megan poo a lot (I didn’t know it until I went back home) 3-4 times a day all with soft stools, some time mild diarrhea. Because she were still energetic, show no pain or discomfort, mum thought no need to be worried, she thought maybe Megan was teething.

On the day I came home, at night, she refused be nursing as usual. And show me sign pao- pao, so I thought she was full and felt no worried. But at tomorrow morning, she also refuse to suckling my breast and turned her face away when I offered her, even bite me so hard when I pressed on, I told DM about that and she said she refused my breast now because 3 days in row only drank formula, DM said it’s OK because she has been breastfed more than 12 months it’s OK to stop breast feeding her. I thought, OK, but felt rejected.

The problem was, her stools were still soft and showed mild diarrhea and her butt was sometimes become irritated because of frequent wipes. I asked my pediatrician and he said this was because of changing milk powder but need no worries her tummy will get used to it.

The top of the problem was today around 2 am. She waked up and cried, I thought she want to sleep on my bed, so I carried her from her cot and put her on my bed, she continued to sleep until 4 am. She cried so hard, I thought she was having nightmare, I soothed her by singing for her and rocked her to sleep in my arm. Then on 6 am, she cried again. By the time, DM has waked up so carried Megan to seek her advice and she said maybe stomach discomfort or maybe hungry, she asked me to make 120 cc of milk for Megan, she drank them and she slept fitfully on DM’s arm but when I carried her, she cried again, I checked her diaper ( by rubbing around her waist, she wore Cute Tooshie fitted Diaper) was only slight damp, and no bad smell so I decide to change her diaper later. I carried her to my room and rocked her to sleep again. On 8.30 am. She waked up and cried, this time I asked bibik who has just arrived to change her diaper and I thought to catch a little nap for I felt so tired. To my shocked, bibik screamed for me and Oh My God, Megan butt was so red, specially her labia, so raw red. It was because she had poo last night on her CD and the stool has long contact on her sensitive skin with damp and warm CD, She got bad diaper rash and this bad mother didn’t even get a clue although she cried a lot. Her skin also showed some friction. She cried so heart brokenly when she pee specially poo.

I called my trustworthy doctor aunt at once. She asked me to buy Apollar cream for Megan butt, and instruct me to let Megan butt as airy as possible, meaning no CD today and see if the irritation will eased. She came later, to checked on Megan butt and asked me to apply the cream trice a day.

Megan become more relaxes after applying her cream but her butt still red although not as red as in the morning. I keep thinking, how in the earth and not even cross my mind to check on her diaper? What a bad mummy I am……..